Fighting insomnia...

The stillness of the night reeks havoc in my head,
The stench of emptiness arouses nausea and conscious dread,
I seem to wait an eternity till morning creeps into my window,
And yet the sunlight only causes to burn me through and through,
I fear morning because it reminds me of the day I watched you leave,
I fear night because I drown in shadows and darkness is my only friend.
I said 'it's over', you said 'it's mutual', but it was just a lie,
You said 'goodbye', I said '…forever' and didn't want you to see me cry,
I held my breath, until my heartbeat ceased for a few painful seconds,
That felt like centuries, and I dropped to my knees the moment you were gone,
I prayed for strength, I prayed for comfort, I prayed to be set free,
But you had me chained to a past that begot a chain of misery…

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How do we fall in love?

How do you answer the lingering question...
How do we fall in love?
To those who may ask,
I ask you this...

How do you call on the moon when the sun is at it's highest peak?
How do you decipher the conversations in the wind as it whispers into the vast open sky?
How do you will the snow to fall upon a desert in the middle of June?
How do you keep the world from revolving too fast as tomorrows warp quickly into yesterdays...

The answer is impossible to contrive,
Such like the miracles of nature,
Beautiful in its existence,
Inconceivable how it came to be,
How the elements of life fuse together,
Then love begins, and it grows...

It's moments that when at the heart of it seem to be suspended in time,
It's words that were understood though have never been spoken,
It's feelings that you can never even begin to describe,
It's small gestures that make your heart beat like a big bass drum...

It's a phenomenon you cannot make sense of at first,
You wonder what happened, why you feel the way you do,
Then it comes together as naturally as the the sun meets the horizon,
And you realize it was all just meant to be...

It's a secret that dwells clandestinely between two hearts,
A sweet melody that will play on through the years,
A soulful journey that will leave lasting footprints in your heart and mind,
A sign from up above...
That leads you right into the arms of the one you love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. "

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

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Flailing faith...

Falling…at a steep trajectory…
The dust in the wind hits me like pins darting into my skin…
I am uncertain of when I will land…
What scares me most is where I am destined to land…
Or will I ever?
Should I get swept up by wings of fate…
And land safely in the reality of my dreams…
Or forever dream, forever fall…
Into a sea of nothingness…
Of never-ending doubt, insecurity, and fear…

When the heart starts flailing…
The body loses the strength to keep going…
The brain may try, hard as it might…
To feed the heart with thoughts of rainbows and cotton candy clouds…
But one day the heart tears down the mask of un-truths…
Surrenders and starts falling…
Once it hits the ground…
It's harder to mend, harder to manipulate…

Falling…getting closer to the ground…
I close my eyes…
Breathe and count to ten…
Making an alliance with continuum…
I count to a hundred…
Will someone catch me in time?

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8:20 a.m.

Delete. Delete. Delete. Ctrl+Z. Delete. Still a blank page. Sigh…

I’m wake earlier than I would like to be on a weekend. I remember the days when I could sleep in till 2 in the afternoon considering that I was in bed by 1 a.m., which was before my usual bedtime back then. These days I feel like I’m consciously slipping into a coma by 11 p.m. Oh, college days were the living years, where the body could resist sleep for over 24 hours and consume excess quantities of caffeine. Five years later it’s one cup of coffee in the morning before heading off to work and a fixed body clock that rules the rest of the day.

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away… If only it was that simple. If only time were a falling star you could put in your pocket and never let fade away. But the truth is, you cannot catch a falling star as you would no sooner get burned by a pebble-sized ball of fire.

Time. A meteorite speeding through the atmosphere at 40 kilometers per second. You can’t catch it. You can’t stop it. And sooner than you know you’re twenty-odd something years wishing you had kept a diary, or rather had continued to pen your life into the fancy notebooks you bought for that sole purpose, but a few pages in just left off. I guess I loved the scent of fresh paper and the prospect of a new hardback to fill with significant moments in time, then when it wasn’t so fresh and new anymore, the allure faded away.

Seems like a shallow made-up excuse, doesn’t it? I should just admit to laziness, or say with nonchalance that life was just so good that I wanted to live every second to the fullest instead of sitting at home writing about it. To the latter, I would be lying.

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Gone

‘Don’t touch me’, were the last words she said prior to walking away. He stood there, nonchalant. In distorted folly, his misguided thoughts opted him to believe she would come back.

He waited. He was gradually becoming deaf to the sound of her heels clicking on the stone footpath. Her pace was lacking of brisk heavy steps, which he had become accustomed to whenever she retired in bitterness. This time she moved slowly. A witch being escorted to the gallows. And he, the King who had summoned her to death.

The sentence posed a vile reality. A reality that failed to register in this brain. His delinquency concocted a vision of her turning around to recede towards him. Her face would hide the animosity behind a forgiving smile, but though the hint of sadness remained, she would hold him nonetheless.

Today, there seemed a whiff of unpredictable weather. His forecast had been a case of malpractice. He watched like a spectator to a movie he had never seen. He closed his eyes for a second, in the hopes that when he opened them again he would see her sweet countenance before him. But he was witness to her petite form growing smaller as she moved further into the distance. She climbed into her car, without even a fleeting backward glance. He faintly heard the engine rev up to life. And she was gone.

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